Grief. It hits you in waves. One moment you are fine. The next you are a mess. You struggle to keep it together, even if you are trying SO hard to keep that smile on your face.
I have been faced with grief a lot the past four months. I have experienced three deaths of people close to me. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m not sure anyone knows how to handle this. But for someone who hasn’t had to face grief before it has been tough.
The first was a mentor. A doctor. He was one that was tough on his patients, but because he had to. Because he was a pain management doctor. Because patients didn’t like to hear that he wasn’t going to write them prescription medications for their pain. He was tragically taken from us, due to a patients hate toward him. It shook our community. It shook the practice. It shook me. I was supposed to be there that Wednesday shadowing another physician, but wasn’t due to him being on vacation and me preparing to come down to school the next day for athletic training.
A month or so later, another physician was taken from us. A heart attack. He was young. He left two young kids. He left a practice and a family that loved him dearly.
The most recent one has been the toughest as it is family. My grandmother went to the be lord a few weeks ago. As I prepare to fly back to England for a quick 72 hours to say my goodbyes, I struggle with the fact that she is gone. I want to call her and realize I can’t. I wan’t to hear her voice one last time and I won’t. I wanted to call her the Sunday after our last home game and tell her all about it, and I couldn’t. It’s moments like this I realize that she is gone, and the wave of emotions start. She was my last grandparent. And now she is gone to be with my Grandad.
Grief is hard. It come in waves. It hits you. You’re fine one moment and not so much the next. One thing I do know, is that all three of these people are with me as I continue my medical journey.
I am forever thankful for my school family, my family, and my athletic training family. The past four months have been grueling. I have not been me, but I am learning that it is OK to not be me through this. It’s all going to take time to heal.